Now, before your beach-obsessed mind gets too carried away with dreams of boardwalk makeouts and late-night campfires, don't forget to think about what really matters: It's not about where you are, but whom you're with. And, these people — your housemates — have the ability to make or break your summer. That's when you remember your BFF is bringing her insane boyfriend, and your friend’s sister's college roommate has vouched for that random older guy tagging along, but you barely know him (and he seems a little creepy, to be honest).
If you’re reading this, it’s probably too late to kick out any questionable characters. But, please take a gander at some New Yorkers that you just might want to avoid making such commitments with in the future.
The Requisite Finance Guy
Interested in hearing all about leverage, P&L, and EBITDA? Probably not. Unfortunately, your blatant uninterest won't stop that Goldman Sachs analyst from chatting your ear off about numbers and words that mean absolutely nothing to you; ditto to the dull comments about brutal work hours (and all the steak dinners he's Seamless-ed to the office this week), or the annoying ping that sounds from his BlackBerry (LOL) every five seconds.
Please, for the love of Patrick Bateman, Gordon Gekko, and all that is holy, someone send this guy back to his Midtown cubicle before he turns everyone's summer into all the boring parts of The Wolf of Wall Street.
The Person Who "Knows" The Bouncer
About 99.9% of the time, this person is guaranteed to humiliate you (and your friends) in front of an entire line of strangers silently judging you for thinking you're better than everyone else. Do not trust him. There is only one way this story will end: with you right back where you started...at the back of the line.
Following inevitable rejection from the bouncer, you'll walk — tail between your legs, head bowed — in defeat, as he complains about the 1OAK Southampton promoter who swore he'd "hook me up" with a table. Don't even bother suggesting aborting the club mission: It'll just give him an excuse to remind you of that one time his plan actually worked.
The Know-It-ALL
Like a dark cloud looming over the perfect beach day, this unbeliever is guaranteed to rain on your parade. Okay, so maybe you didn't actually wait for the D train for two and a half hours, and maybe your co-worker isn't actually the most annoying human being on the planet, but who really cares?
Wedded to the truth, this fact-checking know-it-all will question every word that comes out of your mouth as if you're under oath, making those silly summer adventures a little less fun. Do you want to be on trial every weekend this summer — or would you rather elaborate on your apartment woes and Tinder horror stories in peace?
The "No Filter" Instagrammer
There are few things worse than an Instagrammer without boundaries, and this ruthless photo maven has ZERO. He may be an X-Pro expert, Mayfair maven, and Sierra specialist, but when it comes to posting unflattering pics of his friends, he has absolutely #nofilter (and would have no problem selling your body and soul in exchange for 1,000 more followers).
Forgot to readjust your suit before that pic on the beach? Too bad, because there's no way he's gonna stop and crop. Spot yourself passed out and drooling in the background of his #selfie? He'll claim he didn't notice — and definitely won't offer to delete the image. And, if you're caught making out with your ex in a photo? Well, he certainly will not have mercy.
The Insane S.O.
As we learned from Taylor Swift's "Blank Space," this wild-and-crazy significant other can do some serious damage. Typically, you won't find her stabbing cakes or shredding T-shirts, but she is dangerous; you'll fall asleep to the sound of screaming and wake up to the smell of pancakes.
At least one of your friends has a certifiably insane partner, and while they are obligated to include him or her in their summer plans, you (fortunately) are not. Save yourself from the drunken, nonsensical fights that are almost always followed by loud, gross, make-up sex; you won't be reaping any of the baked-goods benefits, anyway.
The Party Police
Let’s make something clear: The "Alcohol Monitor" of the group is not synonymous with the responsible friend. The responsible friend is a heaven-sent angel who feeds you multiple slices of pizza (and French fries, and cupcakes) while consoling you, despite the terrible mistakes you made last night.
This person, conversely, will 200% be there on Judgment Day, weighing your drunken deeds. “Maybe shots aren’t such a good idea," she'll recommend. “Sweetie, are you sure you need that beer?” she'll ask. "Let’s not forget what happened last night at The Surf Lodge with you-know-who,” she'll say condescendingly. You, of course, would love to strike that incident from the record. But, she’ll never let you.
The Friend Who Will "Venmo You For It Later"
This person will not be paying you back later — or ever. In fact, he has most likely already conned you into paying for the majority of his 2015 meals.
Sure, it’s possible he didn’t get the 20 notifications reminding him that he owes you $12.95 for those Chipotle burrito bowl(s) you've been buying for lunch, but it’s more likely that he doesn’t want to be cut off from this killer, comped meal plan. You're not his friend — you're his piggy bank. And, he can’t wait for you to make it rain lobster rolls and Dark 'N' Stormies at The Sloppy Tuna, all summer long.
The 40-Year-Old Millennial
Thinning hair and an ever-expanding beer belly usually divulge the age of this drunken man-child. Surrounded by a sea of youth, he'll preach about how the Hamptons just aren't the same, how lame it is that all his friends are married, and how he used to be "a legend."
He may have been "a legend" once upon a time...13 years ago...in college...in his debatably cool fraternity. Now, he's just a depressing version of Peter Pan who desperately needs to grow up. And, you do not want a creepy older guy with a mean case of Arrested Development wingman-ing you at The Talkhouse.
The Self-Proclaimed DJ
Beware of the friend who has absolutely no problem hijacking any and all tunes playing this summer. And, don't let the custom Beats by Dre fool you, either — he's not seasoned in EDM, at all. In fact, on the third loop of some weird, mixed-up version of Swedish House Mafia's "Don't You Worry Child," you realize the only thing playing is a bad remix of a really good song.
Hey, if he can show some proof that he will be headlining at Ultra next year, then (and only then) should he tell you what playlist should be busting through the speakers at your summer bash. Otherwise, stop the track and pull the plug before it's too late.
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